MY TOXIC MOM STORY

 

MY TOXIC MOM

Hi all, today I am going to talk about my story of how I lived through a toxic mother-daughter relationship and how I came to the knowledge and understanding that devil is using her against me.

Well first let’s discuss some signs of toxic mothers so you can identify if you have one of such kind.

1.       1. Toxic mom’s, they pretend love, they pretend to care and love the child in front of the father and relatives and show case it that the child is troubling her.

2.    2. They never hug or kiss.

3.      3. They become irritable when the child is sick because now they have to take care of them.

4.       4. She blames the child for her own sickness.

5.      5.  She blames the child for her financial crisis.

6.        6. She compares the child with someone in particular within the family and there is constant raining of insults and mockery.

7.       7. Never likes to cook the food which the child likes.

8.       8. Gets irritated when the child demands some kind of extra favor.

9.       9. Talks bad about the child and reveals everything that should be kept within the family with her friends and other people.

10  10. Never considers child’s problems as real problems, they are nothing to her.

11  11.  Seeing that her child is upset or is in stress, it doesn’t bother her.

12  12. When she gets confronted by the child regarding her bad behavior, she will start the show off drama, call everybody in the family and makes it a scene.

13  13.  Verbal abuse. Uttering words that pierce the soul like, I shouldn’t have given birth to you, I wish you were dead.

14  14.  Attacking the child with abusive behavior be it physical or verbal when they are on a different location, be it totally strange city or on a vacation. 

15  15. Makes sure that the child is lonely always with no friends and no support system. Isolation and manipulation are demonic weapons.

16 16.  Breaking the confidence of the child at every level.

17 17.  Shifting the blame and playing the victim card.

 

It took time for me to understand that I am having a toxic mother and it’s not my fault because as a child your world circles only around your family, school, TV and nothing else. It is when you grow up and step into the real world you actually grow up.

Growing up in a family of four, with an elder sister who happened to be my mom’s best friend since childhood, I always wondered why mother never treated me the way she treats my sister. I always assumed that something is wrong with me. Only after I became a mother myself, I came to understand that it’s her fault and not mine.

All that resentful attitude towards her child that my mother always had for me was passing over to me through bloodline. I was struggling with double thinking. I wanted to feel the love for my newborn baby and I was wondering why am I not feeling any joy or love for the baby while my husband was experiencing it. The first few weeks after my delivery were very difficult. My mind was being poured in with negative thoughts for my baby which was disturbing and confusing. Then I came to understand that the curse flows through blood line. God was gracious enough towards me and has been guiding me through all this. All that curse my mother dumped on me was coming over my child through me. God enlightened me when I asked him in prayers to fill me with love for my child. It was the curse passing on from blood line. All the abuse and demonic toxicity for me that my mother possessed was being passed over to me. I immediately knelt down and prayed, asked for sanctification and got rid of the generational curse through soul ties with my family.

After this I could focus on my child. Feel the love for him in my heart, which previously was missing. I became a completely happy mother after that and now I am thoroughly enjoying the motherhood phase.    

Let’s take you through my journey with toxic mother right from my childhood to my youth so you can have a better understanding of how toxic mothers behave and how you can save yourself if you have one.

I resemble my mom’s mother-in-law and this was the negative seed in my mom’s heart which grew as I grew. This is a universal fact that all daughter-in-laws hate their mother-in-laws. I am a total photo copy of my paternal grandmother. She is a beautiful, extremely fair lady with gorgeous thick and long hair. I inherited all that. But unfortunately I never cherished my beauty because I was circled with the family which never failed to break my spine. I guess my ADHD is also from this inheritance.  

When I look back into past, I don’t remember my mom ever hugging me or kissing me with love. I could always see her irritated whenever she had to do something for me. Getting my makeup done for the cultural activities in school, getting me ready for my birthdays, parties, family functions was all an irritating task for my mom. In family parties, if I got a little close to my mom she would yell at me. She always told me not to sit by her side when there are people around her. She always expressed her anger and dislike for me in front of her friends and family.

My maternal grandmother (my mom’s mom) did the oiling of the lamp part. I remember every time we visited her in summer vacations, she used to tell my mom, “Oh my God your younger daughter looks so much like your mother-in-law” and I can still visualized the resentful look in my mom’s face at this comment passed by my grandmother. It’s like that scene is still there in front my eyes. Some memories stay with us, they never leave, especially the bad ones.

Whenever a relative visited our house, it was a sure thing that my mother would say at least one line negative about me. If I am playing in the backyard that’s wrong for her because I am not studying. If I am studying then that is wrong too because I am not helping in kitchen. It was like a sure thing to happen, whenever anybody visited our home she would say something bad about me.

The comparison with my elder sister was always there and is still there. Whatever I do is wrong, whatever she does is right. Even though it is evident that the mistake is my sister’s it was I who was blamed always. My sister was called a darling and I a curse.

She was like an energy vampire who would never love me nor care for me.

Whenever I dressed up for an occasion, she would transform into someone else entirely. Her demeanor turned aggressive as she berated me, questioning why I would waste a good outfit on what she deemed "useless parties." She'd interrogate me, demanding to know if I was seeing someone. I was only 12 at the time. The situation was completely different when it came to my sister. My mom would personally select her outfit, adorn her with jewelry, bid her farewell with a kiss, and say, "Enjoy yourself, baby”.

She would become insanely enraged at the sight of my happiness.

I remember I was in my 8^th grade and I worked really hard to get good scores so I could please my parents. I showed my scores to my mom and the response was negative. She said, “no matter how hard you work to improve your scores you can never beat my elder daughter, you scored these marks with a lot of effort, but my daughter, she does it so smoothly and never gets excited like you, that’s my child, and you…you are something different, I don’t know what exactly it is but there is something wrong with you”.  These words literally left me in pieces.

I was sleeping one afternoon and my sleep was interrupted with someone singing out loud. It was my sister. I was upset and was yelling at her saying, “couldn’t go out and sing, can’t you just see that I am sleeping here”. My mom came and asked what was happening, my sister said she was enjoying her “me time” and relaxing herself by singing songs. My mom’s response was no big surprise for me, she said, “Is this a time to sleep? Let your sister enjoy her singing, you go wash your face and clean up your room”. 

I have ADHD Inattentive type and because of this I was literally going through hell in my graduation days. Because of all this stress I lost almost 90% of my hair and my scalp was visible, so I decided to cut my hair short. I asked my mom to do it for me and she refused, so I did that myself. Relatives kept asking me why did you cut your long hair so short. I was giving them appropriate answers and my mom would interrupt me saying, “hey, you know how girls are these days and you know about my daughter too, there are boys in college and she wants to impress”. I remember the resentful look the ladies gave me then.

My mom is the reason people don’t greet me and they don’t welcome me into their homes. Whenever I visit someone with my family, everybody is welcomed with a smile and asked how they are doing, and I am left behind always. No one greets me at the door. No one talks to me. They treat me like I am invisible.  

      During my pregnancy, I fell sick only for a month and she could not care for me. My husband was worried about me and he was taking care of me like if I am his child and my mom couldn’t take that. She couldn’t bear the good things happening to me. She couldn’t bear the scene of me being loved by someone. She took me to her home forcefully. She promised my husband that she would take care of me. She was being really nice for a while and then “the camouflage” began. She started filling my husband’s mind with negative feelings for me. These were her words, “oh, she has been a trouble to us since she was a child, she can’t take even a little pain, my elder one is not like her, you should see her, and she never troubles parents, takes biggest of the biggest pain with courage”. She kept telling my husband that all these sufferings are quiet common in pregnancy and everyone endures them gracefully, only she is making a scene. She told him that her elder daughter also had many complications during pregnancy, but she never complained. Slowly my husband started believing all that.       

My husband left me to her care soon after I was discharged from hospital after my C-section believing in “the mother’s love” and I went through a hell during that time. I told him I don’t want to stay at my parent’s home after delivering my kid, but he insisted that there must be at least one women who could care for me after he went to work. My mom did not miss one chance to abuse me. She would trouble my child so she could get on my nerves. She was preparing lunch on one afternoon, tell me who chops onions sitting in the coach with a new born laying just beside? My mom was doing that. When I asked why she is doing this and what has happened to her common sense, she made a scene out it. My child cried and cried all night.

There is an age old Indian tradition according to which oil drops are poured into new born babies ears. While being discharged from hospital our pediatrician warned us not to follow such traditions and said those can damage the child’s body beyond repair. She did that. She secretly poured coconut oil into my child’s ears while I was sleeping. I just woke up one day from a short nap and I saw what she was doing, I couldn’t stay quiet. She argued that it was the right thing to do and she just following what her elders taught her, the tradition and culture drama began.

She would apply so much and so much of coconut oil all over my child’s body that my child would just wail for long hours. I did not refuse her from doing the coconut oil massage but what I asked her was to give the child a nice bath after it and she denied. She would call every known and unknown person and complain about me saying, “My daughter thinks she knows everything and I don’t know anything, whatever I am trying to do for my grandson is wrong according to my daughter”. 

There is a condition called “nipple burst” that most of the lactating mother’s face. The nipples bleed continuously and makes it difficult for the mother to feed the new born. It is a natural phenomenon and can happen to anybody. She blamed me when that was happening to me. According to her I injured my nipples with my own hand nails and was making a scene out of it so I could get attention. I am a bad mother and an attention seeker as per her. That was it, I took my child into my arms and left that house and never returned again. It’s been 6 years I did not turn back.

HOW SHE TRIED TO PULL ME IN AGAIN

She started grieving for my child. She started manipulating me saying she is missing her grandson and tried to pull me in again. I stubbornly refused. She was visiting us frequently like once in every ten days. She used to bring all the stuff that I like, my favorite food, snacks, new clothes and such stuff. I did not fall for that and I refused to accept those things. She started calling all my relatives and told them how sorry she was for yelling at me and that she didn’t mean to hurt me so much. Started playing the “victim card”. After a year, I came to know from a distant relative that my mom is still talking bad about me. Strangely I felt relieved. I felt good for myself because I did not let her in. I did not fall for her though she tried very constantly.

It took time for her to accept that her daughter has forsaken her completely and that she is not going to get me back again. Well now she is playing the “sickness card” to get me in and I am trying my best to resist her as much as possible. She is sending me pics of her lying on hospital beds so she could get my attention. I have become smarter now, compared to what I was in the past, I must say I am no longer that naïve person. I give her very reasonable excuses for not being able to visit her. 

This was my story of living with a toxic mom for 30 years. I hope you learnt something out of it. In the end If I had to suggest someone on how to deal with any toxic relationship not just toxic mom, I would say, just cut off those people entirely from your life. Because once toxic, it’s always going to be toxic. They can camouflage for a while but that’s only because they are planning something against you. It’s actually more like the evil spirits keep working behind all this and they are doing the planning part. Their nature of hurting you will never leave them.

Evil spirits keep filling the toxic persons mind so constantly with negatives about you that they are left with no other option but to think so about you. The pouring in of negative thoughts and the comparing of you with your sibling becomes so overwhelming that most of the parents they go blind and they just can’t realize that what they did or what they ever said was hurting the child.

If they are acting nice, then it’s always the calm before the storm. So, don’t be afraid to cut them off. Better be lonely than be with such people. Enemies don’t come from afar, they live in the same home with us.